The Receptionista Diaries

Millionaire Matchmaker

eleanorimprov — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 15:42:12 +0000

Today, my job is to link families in a database. Essentially, all these people are just floating around in cyberspace with the same last name, but no one has made their relationships known to the world. It’s like playing matchmaker, but people are already together. I’m just matching their financial profile avatars.

Just another noble day as a temporary employee!

Do you keep hours for working people?

eleanorimprov — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 14:35:23 +0000

Thank you, sir, for asking me that ridiculous question. I wasn’t aware that every office had to maintain hours that took into consideration the hours of other offices. My impression that there is this abstract concept of “a work day” or “business hours” during which most businesses are open. Or during which most people are working. I appreciate you telling me the type of hours some people in this industry take. How kind of you to inform me about the people with whom I spend most of my days. How considerate of my time for you to keep me on the phone repeating yourself and forcing me to attempt to answer your pathetic excuses for rhetorical questions. Frankly, sir, I couldn’t care less. It is not my fault that you don’t seem to possess a cell phone, or are lacking in a lunch break during which time you might call your investment specialist. It is not my fault that you possess an abnormally small penis, and no woman or life partner with whom to enjoy it. It is not my fault that you hate your life, but I am starting to believe that it is your fault that I hate mine. And for that reason, I simply say…

“Well, sir, I’m sorry that you feel we are unaccommodating. I will try to send you through to someone else and hopefully they will be able to help you. Have a great day.”

::slumps down in chair due to complete lack of spine::

Time’s a’ Wastin’

eleanorimprov — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 14:54:06 +0000

“Good Morning, [Insert Company Name] this is Kate, how may I help you?”

“Yes, I’m calling about my policy address. You see, the address listed has many misspellings and I would like to correct that.”

“Ok, ma’am. Do you know if you were working with a specific agent here in the Chicago office?”

“Yes it was [insert name of someone I've never heard of]“

“Ok, ma’am, I’m not familiar with that name. Let me actually give you the number for client services. They are our national office and have access to your account information.”

“But this is the number it says to call on my sheet.”

“Yes, but unfortunately if you don’t have an agent there’s no-one to send you through to, and I don’t have the ability to update your records.”

“But I do have an agent his name is [Insert DIFFERENT agent name, this time one that I've heard of]“

“Ok, ok great. I’ll give you Mr. [agent's] phone number then.”

“I don’t want his phone number I just want to change my address. You know they can’t spell anything right on two sheets at a time. They can’t spell ‘pheasant’ and they can’t spell ‘Deer Park’ it’s ridiculous.”

“Well, ma’am, unfortunately there’s no-one here who can help you but I can give you the number for client services.”

“I mean, it’s a silly small thing I shouldn’t have to waste even a minute of my time dealing with this they should know how to spell.”

“[silence]“

“Ok, do you have the name of someone at Client Services who I could complain to?”

“Well, unfortunately I don’t have any specific names. Just the number.”

“Of course you don’t. This is absolutely ridiculous. I shouldn’t be wasting my time like this. What is the number.”

“It’s [number].”

“You know, it’s really pathetic that they can’t spell. Just pathetic really. Thank you.”

“(In the most sing-songy voice ever) You have a GREAT DAY!”

Dial tone.